Cannibal Kitchen: Creepshow

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How awesome would it be to have “The Creep” appear outside your window and host a series of stories after your dad was being a jerk and trashed your stuff. Where do I put in a request for a visit because I would really like to hang out with that boney little man! If he’s not available though, I think I’d settle for Leslie Nielsen in his sexy Velour vintage Fred Perry tracksuit. I’d put on my Fred Perry polo; we’d get all romantic, and when the time was right destroy this jolting five-course meal.

Now let the feature presentation begin…

Pop’s Potato Cakes:

Bedelia’s father was a scumbag, but even 6 feet under ground he knew he wanted his cake. Smart man! This dish packs a punch in the spicy savory department. With loads of flavor and a convenient finger food size this is the perfect first-course appetizer!

You will need:

1 package or Soyrizo or 2 real Chorizo sausage

4 regular baking potatoes grated into fine strips

1 Egg, Beaten

1 yellow onion diced

Fresh Chives diced

Black Pepper and Salt

Then you:

First peel and then grate the potatoes into a medium sized bowl. Strain the grated potatoes to remove water. Remove the casing and add the Chorizo to the bowl, as well as, the diced onion, beaten egg, chives, and dash of salt and pepper. Stir to combine and then form into mini pancakes and cook in a greased pan until golden brown.

Avocado Ooze:

Stephen King may be a master of terror but he’s no match for a green oozing meteor. This amazing cold soup is great on a summer day when you want something with the consistency of soup but not the weight and heat. It has mellow Avocado and Cucumber flavors with a little bit of a spicy kick in the end. The best feature, it’s even better on day 2!

You will need:

1 Avocado

1 Cucumber

6 Ounce container of Greek Yogurt

3 Tablespoons fresh Chives chopped

1 Lime

½ a Jalapeno chopped with seeds

½ cup chopped White Onion

1 Teaspoon minced Garlic

½ Teaspoon salt

Black Pepper

Then you:

Combine all items in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a container with a lid and store in the refrigerator for 2 hours before serving. Garnish with some croutons if you’d like.

A Salad to Tide You Over

A lover’s quarrel and an angry beach day meet insanity and zombies. This is a rich sweet dressing that will add sophistication to any salad.Just as Leslie Nielsen adds to any movie he’s been in. It’s ok Richard;I can hold my breath a “looooooooooooong time” too.

You will need:

Any type of salad fixings your heart desires. (I’m going with a Romaine lettuce, Parmesan cheese, and Italian Seasoned Croutons)

4 Tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1 Tablespoon Balsamic Vinegar

½ Teaspoon Dijon Mustard

Salt and Black Pepper

Then you:

Combine all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk until completely combined. Let the dressing sit for 1 hour covered in the refrigerator before topping your salad.

Wilma’s Severed Breasts

Have you ever had someone you were just dying to feed to a beast living in a crate under someone’s stairs? I think we all have, and quite frankly, I’m a little jealous that Henry was allowed to! This main-course has a great smoked sweet meaty taste unlike the kinds of that wretched shrew of a woman Wilma.

You will need:

For the Marinade

3 Tablespoons Butter

2 Tablespoons Honey

Black Pepper

Smoked Mesquite Seasoning

For Everything Else:

1 Package Chicken Breast Tenderloins

1 Package Maple Bacon

1 Bottle Preferred BBQ Sauce ( I like Sweet Baby

Rays)

Brown Sugar

Then you:

In a small bowl melt the butter and add the honey to it. Stir to combine. Place the Chicken in a small pan and poor the butter honey combo over it. Sprinkle with Pepper and other seasoning. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour. The liquid mixture will take a semi hardened form, this is normal so don’t worry.

Next, pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees and in a large glass cooking dish baste the chicken liberally with BBQ sauce. Place in the oven and cook for 15 minutes. Remove and wrap each tenderloin in 1 piece of bacon. Then sprinkle individually with brown sugar and return back to the oven for 15 more minutes. After the time is up, remove from the oven once more and baste liberally with more BBQ sauce and return back to the oven for a final 15 minutes.

Roach Warrior Cake Balls

Pratt is a heartless businessman whose body eventually bursts with roaches and you couldn’t be happier about it. In the spirit of the trashiness of Pratt and Roaches we are going to keep this final-course dessert high in calories and as white trash as possible. If you want to get fancy and make everything from scratch go for it, today I’m taking a break.

You will need:

1 Box Yellow Cake Mix

(Any additional ingredients as said on the back of Cake

Mix Box)

1 Vanilla Snack Pack

1 Package of Oreos

2 Baking Milk Chocolate Bars

1 Package of Fudge Chocolate Frosting

Then you:

Bake Cake as directed on box. Also, a little secret to making your box cake a little moister, add 1 package of Vanilla pudding to the batter. After cake has baked, remove from the oven and allow to cool for 15 minutes. Once cooled, spoon cake into a medium bowl and add the whole container of frosting and mix together with a mixer. Refrigerate for 20 minutes to make the mixture a little more firm and easier to work with.

In the mean time, crush about 25 Oreos in a bag and then transfer to a small bowl. Also, crumble up the baking chocolate in a small bowl and set aside. After the mix has chilled, melt the baking chocolate in the microwave. Next, form the cake/frosting mix into the size of golf balls , cover in melted chocolate, and then roll around in the crumbled Oreos. Set the newly made Cake Balls on a Parchment Paper lined baking sheet to fully set.

Now, I think it’s time for a nap or a food coma! When you wake up though, make sure to follow me on twitter so you can be the first to know about updates, contests, and the ridiculous things I rant about.