What the f*** was that??
Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
Directed By: Víctor García (Mirrors 2)
The Prologue
I awaited my day of reviewing Hellraiser: Revelations with the same amount a joy a man awaits having the doctor stick his fingers up his ass during a checkup. I know we’ve seen some questionable Hellraiser films before, but if Clive Barker was tossing THIS big of a hissy over this movie, you know it just had to be awful. And it was awful, for those of you keeping score at home. I know a lot of you had issues with Hellworld and Deader, but what you say if I told you this made those films look like Gone with the Wind in comparison? Actually, I’d say it made the awful Hellseeker look like an academy award winning film.
The Movie
Two friends in Mexico discover the Lament Configuration and unleash Pinhead, but one decides to try to survive by swapping himself with someone else. Once they go missing, family members go in search of them (but we don’t actually see that), but find Pinhead instead. But remember this time it isn’t Doug Bradley and also this time around nobody behind this film brought a single original or logical idea to the table. So what’s left? Well, not a whole lot of anything really. So cut me slack here as I try to review the worst Hellraiser film ever made. (YES, I said THE worst and I mean it)
So this movie goes out of it’s way to toss as much crap at the wall as it can in hopes that something stick, and nothing ever does. They are ripping out parts of the original Hellraiser, they are trying to shock us as much as they can, they use some of those “found footage” tricks, and they even go and try to hint at insect with us. But guess what? NONE of it works. It’s hokey, it’s corny, it’s poorly acted and poorly written. And above all else, you just have no clue what the point of anything you are seeing really is and the film never really goes out of it’s way to make it seem like it has reason. Maybe it’s bad editing, maybe they figured nobody would notice, but this film is loaded with plot holes and stuff that just comes across as totally amateur. And THIS is supposed to be a Hellraiser film??
And let’s get started here on the replacement for Doug Bradley, in the form of Stephan Smith Collins as Pinhead. I wouldn’t as much call what he is doing acting, it seems more like a bad Doug Bradly impression. And I won’t say every Hellraiser that came before this was a classic, because let’s face it, some of them kinda sucked. But you at least had Bradley, he WAS Pinhead, hell he IS Pinhead. And when we got him in limited doses, he still made his time on the screen in previous Hellraisers worth the wait. Often being the highlight of those films. Now they wait til we get this other guy to give Pinhead more screen time and it’s awful. I know they canned the idea of remaking Hellraiser, but since you already got a new Pinhead and borrow as much from the original as you do, I wouldn’t be shocked to this was the remake. Only the people at the company realized it sucked so bad they changed the name before they put it out. So if you can’t get Bradley under the pins, then at least be smart enough not to bring this joker back again when you go and make another one of these..I’m begging you, recast recast recast.
So is there anything at all I can say that will come across as a little positive with this thing? Ah, it’s at least got some cool looking gore here and there. Which is great, because bad CGI might have knocked this one into a Top 10 “Worst Films Ever Made” list, IF this one is lucky enough to escape that list as it is. The whole thing just seems off. Here’s an example that perfectly sums how bad the logic here is. OK, your son returns after being missing. You’ve seen what you believe to be him killed on a camera. You see them open up a box before that happens on the same video. Now, with that son back all the sudden, the phones out, the cars are gone, and he’s acting really weird. Are you going to just sit around drinking, making soup, and letting your other kid play with that same creepy box on the video you saw? If you answered all of that with a “NO”, then congratulations! You are officially smarter than anyone who is responsible for this garbage being released.
The Conclusion
If you are a Hellraiser fan, or a fan of horror in general I would skip this one. Hell, I’d say even if are a Hellraiser completest there really isn’t much a reason to buy this, let alone rent it…WAIT! On second thought, perhaps you should buy a copy. Wait a couple weeks for them to lower the price to a “please get this off our shelves” price and purchase it with the purpose to punish people or children you are pissed off at by forcing them to watch it. Any other reason of buying this is surely just a sign of insanity, it’s not good..at all.
The Rating (3.5/10)
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