It’s not pretty…
Biker Zombies from Detroit (2001)
Directed By: Todd Brunswick
The Prologue
Every once in a while in life, you do what is called “buying a lemon”. This also happens when you watch movies. And sometimes you just end up watching a movie, and you “watch a lemon”. And if there ever was a lemon placed on film it would be 2001′s Biker Zombies from Detroit. If it’s about zombies, I’ll watch it. This one reminds me that perhaps I need to be a little more picky about that from here on out. I had never heard of this before going into watching it, and I guess that was with good reason now wasn’t it? I usually try not to be too negative with a film when I review it, but I’m sad to report that in this case it just can not be helped.
The Movie
Biker Zombies From Detroit is a horror/comedy contrasting the dark deadly streets of outer Detroit against the posh and protected upscale community of Grosse Pointe. A series of horrific murders are committed in the Detroit area. Now it seems an evil darkness has descended onto the streets of Grosse Pointe, and hidden within is the wrath of ‘Biker Zombies from Detroit’! Ken Yargeau and his mother Francis relocate from the quaint rural town of Hell, Michigan to the exclusive Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe. Ken quickly has a rude awakening when he meets the local high school pretty-boys and is immediately spurned by his peers. However, Courtney Goodwyn the local sweetheart finds herself attracted to the new guy in town. And promptly dumps her pretty-boy wannabe boyfriend, Chad Porter. Meanwhile on the gritty nocturnal streets of Detroit, an evil force has returned and begins constructing a modern day army of Zombie warriors…
And I want to apologize to any of you here that might think this movie sounds interesting from the way the plot sounds there. Because it’s not interesting, at all. I also want to apologize to the director and the actors in advance as well, because I’m afraid there really isn’t that much I can say about this movie that will at all come across as nice. From the moment this thing kicks off with possibly the corniest and wost sounding voice over/narrator in film history, you just know you are in for a very long night, and the movie isn’t even that long. So if you are having second thoughts after hearing that at the start, you may want to just end it there.
The story then goes on with the forces of evil completing a zombie army and looking for just the right person to complete it. That person turns out to be a dude that looks like Robert Smith of The Cure. And he fits that stereotype to the T perfectly. I think maybe they should have just called this one Emo Zombies and it would have had a better fitting title. To make matters worse, this one forgets it’s point about half way through, looks like it might go he romantic route, then takes another sharp turn into a pure mess. I just don’t think the director had a clue what he was making here, and if he did it surely doesn’t show in the film.
The acting is below average, it’s probably worse than bad. There is just nothing here to hold your interest, and it never really seems to try. Things happen that just comes across way to corny and bad to even make you get a real laugh out of it. The only thing good I can even mention here about it, is that it at least has a cool cover and one zombie looks like Dawn of the Dead zombie turned Tom Savini, but that’s it I’m afraid. You have movies that are soo bad they are good, but this one is just soo bad it’s about unwatchable. The plot is lost several times and never recovers, bad acting, and even worse dialogue, Take my advice, my friends, You should RUN from this movie. Avoid it as if it was the black plague.
The Conclusion
Not anything here worth seeing, the two score below is for at least trying..I guess. This is one of those rare once in a lifetime movies that comes along and makes you want to stab your eyeballs out with the sharpest object you can find. The director has went on to never actually make another movie himself, but he did edit Exit 33, so he’s at least moved on to somewhat better things. A movie like this may pop up with a cult following some day, but then again..maybe not.
The Rating (2/10)
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