Ho-Ho-Horrible!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Directed By: Nicholas Webster
The Prologue
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was a film I had always heard of, but never once did I really have a desire to watch it. Not even as a child, I simply wanted no part of it. But when it recently topped a list by Fandango, naming it one of the worst holiday/Christmas films ever, I decided maybe I could torture myself a little by checking it out. Other names on that list? Hulk Hogan’s Santa With Muscles, and we KNOW I won’t be watching that because I just can’t find it in myself to say a bad word about The Hulkster! But none the less, let’s get to this awful movie about Santa, Aliens, Robots, and Christmas!
The Movie
Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extol the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.
The negative rep this movie has gotten over the years, is very much justified. Mars needs a Santa, so they decide they’ll just come here and kidnap our Santa to solve the problem. And it all goes down in the most ridiculous and boring way possible. Even the tension growing between the leader of the Martians, Lomas and the one EVIL Martian, Voldar doesn’t help matters at all. Watching aliens freeze elves with painted blow dryers and kidnapping kids all in the same evening might all sound exciting, but trust me..you’ll do good to keep away.
It also doesn’t help that our Santa isn’t just a round jolly ol’ elf. He’s a bit of a pompous douchebag. Not that he’s trying to be one or that the character in the film calls for him to be one, he just comes across as one. The kids that end up kidnapped aren’t much better. I recall one terrible scene where Santa and the kids outsmart the evil Voldar. It comes equipped with some of THE worst fake laughing I have ever seen. I know this is the 60s and that things weren’t on the level that they are today, but come on here! This just makes your head hurt.
While the movie isn’t any longer than any other film with an average running time, this movie seems to just go on and on and on. Even when there is the risk that Santa might not make it to Earth for Christmas, you never care. After all, it’s hard to build drama when even the title of the film assures us that Santa will CONQUER the Martians that have him held against his wishes on Mars. With us already knowing how this was all going to go, the least they could do was make it fun. And unfortunately, it’s anything but fun.
The Conclusion
Is it justified to call Santa Claus Conquers the Martians THE worst Christmas movie ever? Yeah, I think so. If there is a worst Christmas film, I shudder to try to think of what it might be. Or even worse, I shudder to think of how bad it might be. Say what you will about Hulk Hogan and movies he’s in, but this movie makes Santa With Muscles look like the Pulp Fiction of Christmas movies.
The Rating (2/10)
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