If you take one quick look at my contact info on here, you’d then realize that I am a massive fan of Friday the 13th. While I would also admit to the fact that they might not be the world’s best horror films, I’ve always had a warm spot in the ol’ ticker for them going all the way back to when I was a kid. And over a year ago I reviewed each and every single film in the franchise. Of course, this came when I was at a bit of a burnt out period in reviews and I admit I wasn’t very fair to the films that I (mostly) love, and as a result I went back, re-watched them, and updated my ratings to fit a more fair number. Now, there were a couple that’s rating did not change. One was that nasty Manhattan one that nobody wants to argue with me about. The other one however is a film I seem to stand alone on in my mountain of hate strong dislike for. So I’ve decided that if I can’t drive my point home to you as to why I don’t really care for the film in a review, perhaps some pictures might help straighten you fine folks out.
Before I really get into things here I want you to take a look at this bad mofo right here in this picture..
That is none other than THE Jason Vorhees. When you look above at that picture you see a heartless killing machine who would take three shots just to get one. You see a “man” who is clearly out of his amount of f***s to give. This is not a man who you’d want to mess with, or even be within an arms reach of. But, as we all know, Mr.Vorhees wasn’t always the bad ass we see above. As a matter of fact, it was a bit of a growing process that took some time. So, let’s just pretend like he didn’t pop out of the water at the end of Friday the 13th and say that Jason started off like this…
No, that’s not the Elephant Man, that’s Jason in his pre-hockey mask hillbilly from hell days. Now I could go into detail about how ridiculous it is to think that Jason walked from Crystal Lake to where ever the hell Alice lived long enough to stab her in the head and then walk back to the lake, but I won’t. And I won’t due to the fact that I like part 2. Does it show us that Jason is a momma’s boy? Perhaps a little, but wouldn’t you want to kill the bitch that chopped your mom’s head off?? As far as I’m concerned 2 is just fine..3 is the problem. And while I admit that it will always have an important part in the franchise due to the fact that he does get the hockey mask for the first time, just take a look at this…
Yes, that’s Jason Vorhees trying to sink the pink torpedo forcefully into young Chris Higgins. Now let me repeat this, Jason Vorhees (you know the guy that kills everyone in his path?) is trying to rape a girl. He’s not trying to chop off her head with a machete, he’s not tossing her into a sleeping bag and beating her against a tree, he’s actually trying to fornicate. Now, am I the only person who sees something terrible wrong with that? I know he wasn’t quite the Jason I dig yet, but I don’t think Friday the 13th part 2′s Jason would be doing this. And due to the time period of it I feel as if it kinda causes a giant odd spot into the story and the continuity. And while I agree that Chris wasn’t hard on the eyes, was she really soo damn pretty that Jason just couldn’t resist? Was she cute? Yeah, but she wasn’t even the best character in the movie. Feast your eyes on these two people…
That is everybody’s favorite joker, Shelley and the girl he has his eye on, the very street smart, Vera. Basically, these two are the best overall characters in the film, they have great chemistry on screen together, and are a bright spot in an otherwise cast of lame ducks (sorry, the dude walking on his hands does nothing for me). I think the film would have been a lot better had Shelley and Vera been the leads. Instead we get the unquestionably cute, Chris (and her awkward story of an attempted rape) and the “Johnny Default” guy she’s with. A dude that is soo dull that I can’t even be bothered to look up his name. But you know what really pisses me off when it comes to this movie and our beloved Jason?? Let me give you a prime example of everything wrong with this movie…
That is Chris behind the wheel of one UGLY ass van. At this point in the film I think it’s safe to say she’s pissed off and in full survival mode. So she’s obviously got plans to make a run for it. That’s when Jason, clearly a romantic, steps out in front of the van as Chris is driving. I assume this is because either the thrill of killing and/or forcefully making sweet sweet love with Chris compels him to do so. Now that leads us to this..
Chris is heading right smack for Jason and there is no way in hell she is going to stop or swerve to miss him. This game of chicken would be a no contest if is this was the Jason Vorhees we all know and love today. But what does Friday the 13th part 3 Jason do?? Well..
ARE YOU F***IN’ KIDDING ME??!! He does a full on dive out of the way of the van?…Come on! That’s not the Jason I know. I realize at this point Jason wasn’t supposed to technically be what he is now just yet, but that’s pathetic. And this wasn’t the end of Jason’s odd behavior. Jason’s slow and methodical style is not here, at all, he’s pretty much running after people. And he’s also mumbling at times like an idiot. Now, is this not the same horror community that detested the grunts, mumbles, boos, and groans of Michael Myers in Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween? You didn’t like that but you are OK with this?? I just don’t get it. Just look at Jason…
Now tell me the Jason here probably wasn’t taking the shortbus to Crystal Lake that Summer he “drowned”? See, Jason sadly isn’t the zombie-like heartless bad ass he is now in this film. He’s just a really strong retard, and I’m sorry for the use of the word retard, but it’s true and you know it. This boy here is clearly a few fries short of a Happy Meal and it just bums me out because that’s not MY Jason. Outside the hockey mask and perhaps the looks of Chris, what is it you guys get out of this entry into the series?? It surely wasn’t the 3D was it? Oh well, at least part 4 made everything right…
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