So today is Friday the 13th! A day that is legendary for being a pretty bad day. To make matters worse (and also kinda weakens the day’s vibe all together) Friday the 13th can happen more times than once per year. So you kinda need to stay on your toes a couple days out of the year not just one like with Halloween.
So on a day like today one might need to follow a few rules and learn a few key things in order to make it out of today alive. I’m not just talking about surviving the mighty Jason and his wrath (however that’s something to think about here and is noted) I mean today in general, because with Friday the 13th anything can happen..And it’s all usually bad.
#01: Avoid The Lake All Together!!
Hey asshole! It’s Friday the effin 13th!! And if you were to die on this day where do you think this would more than likely take place? If you live by a lake, LEAVE home for today! Sure the view is nice but when some big bastard in a mask floats ashore you might not have any eyes left to see it. Staying away from the lake (and the woods) makes your chances of nothing bad happening go up to around 98% (2% of danger is still there if you live in Manhattan)
#02: Do NOT Have Sex
I’m not saying you have to be a virgin cause if that was the case only bloggers would stand a chance *rim shot*. I’m just saying don’t have sex today. It’s a proven fact most folks that like to partake in acts of a sexual nature won’t survive to the end of it. So if your sex life usually just takes a few minutes, your actual life may be over even quicker than…Kind of a bummer huh?
#03: Put The Weed Down Smokey
Has a stoner ever made it through a horrific ordeal?? Well no, not unless it was a low rent Full Moon movie, and even they died before being brought back. But we are talking your real life here! A lot can happen in the time it takes you to convert that 2 liter coke bottle into to a bong, and most of it isn’t good for you.
#04: Don’t Be A Jock
I don’t care if you got your bedroom aliened with posters of sport stars or trophies that you yourself actually have won, for today at least act like you hate sports! And whatever you do, don’t be caught in a jersey today. Oh and if a boxer couldn’t take out Jason once upon a time, don’t try to go all MMA on him or any other evil being. As soon as you go in for a “Shoot” you’ll be snapped in half.
#05: All Nerds Beware
So you like Starwars huh? Got a stack of comics to? Yeah, you’re f***ed six ways to Sunday. You may be able to tell us all about those Harry Potter books but you probably won’t be doing anything but pissing on yourself once the poop hits the fan. If people end up getting killed off today you will need to know how to survive, not list every character of the Marvel Universe. So sorry, your Green Lantern replica ring won’t get you out of this one.
#06: Don’t Be A Whore!
This of course is for men or women and it’s a lot worse than simply not having sex. Sure any ol’ couple could have sex and die because of it today, I’m talking about those of you out there just trying to sleep with anything with a pulse! You probably spend your nights in parking lots after hours trying to score some cheap ass so on Friday the 13th odds are you won’t be thinking of playing it safe..After all you never “play it safe” in anything else you “do”.
#07: Stay In Groups
How come when trouble comes everyone is always alone? Or even worse, if you’re in a group you go at the bad guy retarded ninja style?? Stay in a group today, a large one if you actually have friends. Then if something happens..like..say a big retard wearing a hockey mask comes for you just go at him all at once! Now I can’t promise you you’ll make it, but it’s worth a shot right?
#08: Just Be Normal
So you didn’t want to go to the lake. You don’t like sports, comic books, and you don’t do drugs! You may have had sex before but it’s not really something you plan on doing out of the blue. You weren’t the cool kid in school but you were far from one of the outcasts. This is GREAT news! Because you have a better chance than anyone of making it out of today alive. Truth be told, you’re probably the one person who has turned down any silly invite to any parties taking place in the woods. But fear not, even if you get dragged to one anyway, you got a much better chance than you might think! Just be your normal self. Oh and make sure you have a cell and that it works!
Chucks website
