Bite School (2015) (11 Year Anniversary Edition) (Blu-ray Review)
DIRECTED BY: James Balsamo
STARRING: James Balsamo, Ron Jeremy, Roy Frumkes
RATED: UR/Region: O/1:85/1080P/NUMBER OF DISCS 1 (BD-r)
AVAILABLE FROM Acid Bath Productions
There are movies that are bad. There are movies that are so bad they’re good. Then there are James Balsamo movies, which exist in their own bizarre cinematic dimension where logic, budget, and common sense have all filed for divorce and moved to separate states.
Bite School is exactly the kind of movie you’d expect from writer-director-star James Balsamo. It’s loud, goofy, packed with horror icons, overflowing with bad jokes, and has roughly the same level of restraint as a five-year-old left unsupervised in a candy store. If you’re familiar with Balsamo’s work, you already know whether this review is going to convince you to watch it. If you’ve never seen one of his films before, buckle up because this is either going to be your new favorite thing or your personal version of hell.
The plot concerns vampires, high school students, and various forms of absurdity that seem to have been stitched together during a late-night sugar rush. Trying to explain the story in detail would honestly be a waste of everyone’s time because the film isn’t really about the plot. It’s about watching a collection of weird characters wander through increasingly ridiculous situations while Balsamo throws every joke, reference, and horror trope he can think of directly at the screen.
And you know what? There’s something weirdly charming about that.
The cast is loaded with familiar faces from cult cinema, including appearances from horror legends who seem to have collectively agreed that hanging out on a James Balsamo set probably sounded more fun than staying home that weekend. The movie feels less like a traditional production and more like a horror convention after-party that somebody accidentally filmed.
The humor is incredibly juvenile. The acting is all over the place. The production values are about as polished as a cinder block. The pacing occasionally wanders off and gets lost. Yet somehow the movie keeps chugging along on pure enthusiasm. You can criticize just about every technical aspect of Bite School, but you can’t accuse it of being boring. The film has enough energy to power a small city.
What ultimately saves Bite School is that Balsamo genuinely seems to love making these movies. There’s no cynical cash-grab feeling here. Nobody involved appears concerned with prestige, awards, or critical approval. They just wanted to make a ridiculous horror comedy packed with vampires, gore, and bad jokes, and by God that’s exactly what they did.
Is Bite School good? That’s a complicated question. Is it entertaining? Absolutely. It’s the cinematic equivalent of finding a bizarre VHS tape at a flea market with cover art that promises far more than the budget could ever deliver. Sometimes that’s exactly the experience cult movie fans are looking for.
If you’re expecting The Lost Boys, look elsewhere. If you’re expecting a James Balsamo movie filled with horror cameos, goofy humor, and enough DIY filmmaking spirit to fill a blood-soaked gymnasium, Bite School delivers exactly what it promises. For better and occasionally for worse.
